You Are Not Alone

It’s been over 2 year now since my first miscarriage. I still think everyday what could’ve been. Were you a boy? A girl? Were you going to be football player? Surgeon? Lawyer? Everyday I think about it. What hurt the most was that it was my first pregnancy. And we tried SO hard for you. I took years to get pregnant with you, and it was taken away from me so fast. I received a positive, then a week later I was told I was losing you. I was so happy, then that happiness was taken away from me so fast. You see, I also had no idea what I was going to expect either. I thought I would bleed for a few days then it would be over. I was so wrong.

I had to see a fertility specialist to even get pregnant. I was taking birth control at 16 and my periods had just stopped coming. I mean, I was 16 so I didn’t really care. Who wants a period at 16? I sure as hell didn’t. Then my husband and I decided we wanted to have a baby. We tried and tried and tried, with no success. We moved to another state and saw that there was a fertility center right off of our exit! Cool right? So shortly after we made our first appointment. If you’ve ever had to go to a fertility center, you know that they always rule the man out first. It’s the easiest since all they do is check the sperm count. My husband was producing triple the amount the average male his age should. Which was great, but then I knew I was the problem. I can’t even explain to you the feelings that came over me. Was I meant to even have kids? Why am I the issue? Why can’t my body get pregnant on it’s own? Since I stopped getting my period, I wasn’t ovulating. A few shots in the butt and medications later, I found out I was pregnant.

1 in 8 women experience infertility. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. These topics need to be talked about more. I applaud the women that have to go through IVF or anything of that nature to have a baby. If you are reading this and you have had to experience infertility or a miscarriage, you are not alone.

What no one talks about with miscarriages is how painful and excruciating it is physically and mentally. When the doctors told me my HCG(pregnancy hormone) was dropping and I was miscarrying, they told me to get some ice cream and take a few days off of work. I didn’t know how horrible the pain was going to be. It felt like a knife cutting my uterus, I could barely walk. No one told me the amount of blood I was going to experience that I needed to wear an adult diaper. No one told me all of the clots I was going to pass, and with each clot that passed I couldn’t help but think… is that the baby? It was horrifying.

And ya know, I know people try to help. But if you’re reading this I FUCKING BEG YOU to please not say any of these phrases to someone that is going through a miscarriage or experiencing infertility.

“Maybe it’s not the right time”

“Maybe you’re not meant to have kids”

“At least you already have a child”

“God needed him/her more than you did”

I know you’re trying to help, we all know. But please don’t say things of that nature, you are doing more harm than good. Send a care package with some chocolates, maybe a nice book.

I hope one day these topics are talked about more, so people can know that they did NOTHING wrong. It is NOT your fault, you did NOT cause this to happen. I will never understand why these things happen to women, but we are here for you.

You are not alone.

The Elephant in the Room…

So you find out your pregnant, excited? Maybe not? Both are very valid feelings. It takes time to get over the initial shock. Sometimes, the shock doesn’t go away until you hear the first cry. That’s how it was for me, anyways.

Alright, so 9 months go by. In those 9 months the most popular question has crossed your mind many times. Are you going to be a SAHM(stay-at-home-mom)?

Congrats! Your baby is here. Everything is really rough at first, from your first pee/poop, trying to get baby to latch, not getting any sleep. You get the jist. But good news! You decided to stay at home with your baby, ya know the absolute DREAM right? Now let’s talk about the elephant in the room…

What no one seems to tell you about being a SAHM, is the SAHM depression. But Alysea, how does one get depressed being a SAHM? I’d rather take care of my baby all day then go to work. That’s what I thought too, who would hate being a SAHM? I get to be home with my babies all day, I should be grateful right?

Little did I know being a SAHM isn’t everything I thought it would be. I didn’t realize these same 4 walls is all I would see everyday. I didn’t know my only face to face interaction would be with the cashier at the grocery store. My husband, family and friends work. Of course I try to get out with the kids to the park if it’s nice out. But sometimes kids have bad days too and don’t always want to go outside. It’s the same thing every single day, the same routine every single day. I have never been so excited to take a shower when my husband gets home from work. You know why? That’s my alone time. Peace and quiet, knowing the kids are being taken care of.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. But damn, what about me? My identity didn’t disappear just because I had kids, but sometimes it sure feels like it does. Being a SAHM is hard, but daycare is just so EXPENSIVE that it’s pointless to go back to work.

I urge you, if you’re feeling depressed, please reach out to someone. You need to take care of yourself too.